A Can’t Do Attitude

8bbf27961db32aea62f4e1497422f340--so-funny-hilarious

This week y’all, it’s been a doozy. While it may not compare to others’ weeks and what some are currently working through, it’s been a week of coming to bear out some things I have been wrestling with for a good long stint.

One of those being the mindset I have clung to that I can do it all myself. For a while I was claiming Philippians 4:13 in the midst of my doing, and fretting, and frustrations. Oh yes, I CAN do all things was what I would tell myself. My word did I misuse that verse to do things in vain and in my own way.

This week I went in to a couple of coworkers and said “I have to admit defeat and ask for help on some of these responsibilities.” To which one of them lovingly looked at me and said “It’s not defeat to ask for help, and we’ve been waiting for you to ask.” So y’all, I was wearing my weariness, anxiety, stress and CAN DO-ness out there for all to see. And it was not pretty…believe me I see it.

But from then on, I felt lightness as if a burden had been lifted from my back that I didn’t have to trudge along with. Over the last 24 hours I have thought about that and my attitude of “I can do this, and this and this and this.” I realized that I had made it a “had to” attitude instead of a “can but will ask for help” attitude. I made it the mandate to do it all, no one else did.

You see when I go back into Philippians 4 and point to verse 13 that I can do all of this through Him who strengthens me, I found that I hadn’t really looked for strength in Him first of all. Secondly, when I read the verses surrounding it in context I see that others were sharing in Paul’s distress, they were seeking to care for him in the state he was currently in and they had not had the opportunity to do so.

In my striving of can do-ness on my own, I wasn’t allowing others the opportunity to live out their God-given care for me. I was pursuing my own definition of success through a “have to” attitude that I had put upon myself instead of stepping into His strength, putting on humility and leaning into the beautiful community of care from those around me. Pursuing the right things with the wrong attitude will get us to the same spot as pursuing the wrong things.

I had to realize that I cannot do it all and I have to relinquish that sinful mindset. I can ask for help, I can be weak and seek strength that can only come from Him, and I can understand that it’s an opportunity for others to come along in my journey as well. It’s in fact not about me at all, and the more I realize that the more I’ll see it’s all about Him.

He can do and He does.

image

God will do whatever it takes to frustrate my desires for lesser things, lesser loves, and thwart my attempts to run and hide.

These words, paraphrased from Amanda Bible Williams, are what I’m dwelling on presently. Often we desire to pour out our hearts and at others we pull back to quiet, to alone. Maybe you’re in a space of alone too and needed to see these words today, just as I needed them over the last few weeks.

 

That Year in Birmingham

In a couple of weeks I’ll be headed to Birmingham for an event. At one time, just after college, I called Birmingham home for a year. I have been back once, for a little over 24 hours, in those 13 years since I packed up a that Uhaul trailer with my dad and grandfather and booked it back to Tennessee.

In planning my trip back down, I couldn’t help but recall the first time I went to B’ham as a freshly-educated college grad knowing I had a job in baseball. One week in I was crumpled on the floor of my kitchen telling my sister it was a mistake to be there. That I had somehow made a terrible decision, living five hours from anyone I knew, and I wasn’t possibly going to be able to make it in this city that didn’t offer me much.

Part of me cringes at that memory because of the emotion of it all, remembering how bleak my outlook was and how incredibly alone I felt in that city. The other part of me rejoices though, because I am 13 years wiser from it. God drew me there, whether I wanted to recognize it or not, for a purpose and a reason. He led me there, to get me right here. He did some significant work in me over that year that I can only see in hindsight, and allowed me to work out who I was in some difficult moments.

Throughout my time in B’ham I made some poor decisions, I will own that entirely. My way, my will and my attitude won out on several occasions but I am also able to see how I needed to work out that in an environment where it was me dealing with Him without distraction or other voices bringing solace. Being there allowed me to see where He was not leading me and I was taking my own path and my own way. It brought me back to Him in a way which if I had remained in Knoxville I would not have seen nor chosen.

In so much hurt and grief we cannot possibly see how it’s for our good while we are in it. We cannot see how being alone in place, a place we don’t like and the circumstances aren’t how we would craft them could bring anything remotely resembling His good for us out of it all.

But it does.

It did for me. I am pretty sure it will for you too, if we let go of our expectation of the situation, our will and our way and accept the work God is doing without knowing what it is. The end result isn’t the point, it is what you are going through that’s refining you and making you who God intends you to be in His image, as His reflection and not your own.

The whole process, in the circumstance, in the location, in the job, in the relationship…all of that is the point. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of distance of years or miles to see it. To see how one of the worst and hardest times of your life was also one of the best parts of your relationship in Christ, with God through the Holy Spirit.

But we have to allow it. We have to accept it. We have to be willing to go through it, even in the ugly, even in the lonely, even in the longevity of it all. It’s never about us. It’s about the work He’s doing, we just have to receive it.

 

What if my perceived silence from God is actually an opportunity for my stillness and trust in Him?

I know He’s good. I know He’s trustworthy. There comes a time though when it just doesn’t feel good. That I feel He’s silent.

And that is exactly where I land. On my feelings. Not on the Truth of His Word, of Him and Who He Is, Was and Will Forever Be. My perceptions and feelings aren’t in full understanding of Him, and they won’t be on this side of life.

However I must trust, even when I flat out don’t want to, that it’s not silence. It’s not His forgetfulness (because He cannot have that characteristic). No, I must be still and reflect His stillness. I must seize the opportunity to trust beyond words, beyond feelings and beyond comprehension.

What A Hip Hop Dance Class Taught Me

Lately I have been taking a hip hop class at the gym I go to. I was getting bored quickly with the elliptical and treadmill, even though it had a tv and I had podcasts.

When I run outside, it’s just different. The monotony of a machine makes me want to put a pencil through my eye, but I digress.

Nervously I entered the incredibly full class the first week, inching my way to the back so I could blend in. (SN: a woman from my Tuesday step class had misinformed me that this was also a step class, it is most definitely not.) That just wasn’t possible because this class builds on itself each week. Regardless of my trepidation, I told my 34 year old self that this wasn’t middle school and that I was going to do this. So I have for the last few weeks.

Last night I looked around at the smaller group, since it’s the holidays, and saw a pregnant woman, a 70+ year old woman, and a couple on the back row with me that were just having fun, moving. Yes we were out of step, but we were having a good time and getting some exercise in.

It takes us all a while to loosen up in these situations-where we are out of our comfort zones or are pushed to be beyond our boundaries of security. I felt a little whisper last night as I was completely off on one whole routine that said, “Be confident in yourself.”

Fear’s a good liar. It reminds us of the long-forgotten mistakes, errors and embarrassments. It points to the awkward and the negative, the judgements and the critics. And we can buy into fear, and it’ll keep us on the back row in alot of life, or even outside the doors. It’ll tell us that we don’t have the body, the rhythm, or the drive to do that. It’ll whisper we aren’t as good as the former dancer in front of us and cause us to misstep. Then it will point at that misstep any time we falter or question whether we should go back, try again, or take another leap.

Yes, this is about a group fitness class, but it’s so much more than that. That’s where we often find the lessons in life-in the unexpected. That’s also where we take one more step against fear and self-doubt, banishing them with a confidence in ourselves to be bold, be brave and to fear not.

As we start to look at a new year, may we live in the confidence of the gifts and abilities we have been given by a God who designed us to live fully into them. Using them as blessings and goodness, and understanding that fear is based upon the lie of worth and value. Take that step into the room, move up from the back row and get off the sidelines this year. Show fear it has no place in your head, your heart and your life.

Because if I can take a hip hop dance class, trust me, you can do the thing you have been fearing too.

busyness.

Busy.

That’s an easy response when someone asks how I am. But that’s not really a defining response.

No, we throw that around as a banner. Telling everyone just how busy we are, full schedules, running here and there, don’t have time to talk so we text short blurbs. Life coming in 140 characters all throughout the day and into the night.

We choose the life we live. We do. So many say they don’t have a choice in what’s been given them or they don’t have a say in how their life is lived. But that’s just not the case.

Reason being?

He gave us free will. We have the choice in our jobs, whether we have that job or not. Does that mean you don’t live as comfortably as you have gotten used to? Sure. But again, that’s a choice you make.

I wrestled with this thought for a very long time, as I myself talk about how busy I am. I wear it as a badge, using an excuse to not do other things because I am just too busy. Lately though I have been making the choice in how busyness affects my life. That also means how it affects my health, my spending and my mind.

Busyness has a trickle down effect that we often don’t see until we are hanging on by a thread, little sleep and nerves frayed. Over the last few weeks I have been intentional about the choices I have made, to spend time with the people I say matter…to take time to listen rather than talk about my schedule. To intentionally put my free time into the things I desire to pursue. To choose community and people over schedules and hurriedness.

Quickly I am finding that my free will choices become much more filling when I am choosing things that do not drain me, that don’t just add something to a block of my time but it adds life.

I don’t want to miss something in the busyness of life that may not slide by again. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to be His hands and feet to someone simply because I have this appointment on my calendar. I don’t want to rush through life simply to look back, with a few more pounds and a lot less fulfillment simply because I didn’t take a few beats to be intentional about what gets on my calendar (and what doesn’t).

That also means rest. Not laziness, but true rest. Which means on the weekends I am not checking emails as often, that I am not on my phone at dinner with friends, and I am most certainly engaging in active recognition of Him in every part of my life. It means that I am making decisions in order to give Him the firstfruits in my all life (work, play, community, rest). I choose that. I get that choice regardless of what others may believe about themselves, as we have that choice.

We have to be intentional about the choices and continue to focus on making them to reinforce it into a habit of our own making that lends to a healthier life, both spiritually and emotionally.