It’s those times I sit and stare at a blinking icon…a blank screen. Those are the times I hear whispers of doubt and fear. Or the times I read another’s words and the doubt floods my heart.
This same heart that beats out of time when I get excited about a topic, ecstatic about sharing it with just one other person.
Fear got loud in 2015 in many ways. It shouted, it screamed, it threw a fit like that three year old directly behind you in the checkout line getting groceries and the woman in front of you is paying with a check, a check yall. Fear told me that I obviously wasn’t good enough in so many areas, why would I think I could write? I wouldn’t be able to get a job with the blog I have, no one wants to hear my thoughts on life, the Bible or just random things.
That goal I had at the start of 2015…to finish that book? Yeah it didn’t happen. Yes I wrote several chapters but I kept sliding it to the back of the line of priorities. I kept distracting myself with excuses and lies of “well if I cared enough I would have it done by now.” Or “no one wants to read what a girl who is single have to say about marriage.” They just kept on coming for most of the year.
Fear made me feel like a failure, but ultimately I made me feel like a failure. I allowed fear to yell loud and yell long into my life in 2015 into some pretty profound and deep-seeded places. I let fear get the very best of me from start to end in 2015. Until I decided that I can write. That just because I don’t have a degree in English, or a multiple best-sellers under my belt does not discount me from the table as a writer.
If this is a passing whim, it’s been settled in for six years. Six years of writing is not a passing whim, it’s a passionate pursuit of something I am gifted with. Some days that means I talk about television I am crushing on and some days that means I share my heart on God’s pursuit of more of me.
That blinking white page still scares me…but not to inaction. To words overflowing. To choosing writing over tv, over reading, and over distractions. It takes my breath away like the sun rising every morning as I leave my house for work. The job I go to does not define me, even these words I write do not define me because fear doesn’t get to define me. It is my choice to write-well or poorly. But it is my choice to live into that giftedness He has given.
We are 14 days into 2016 and I can say, from here, fear has no place. He thinks thoughts of peace towards me to give me a hope and a future. Not of fear and not in definition. But hope…a future…right now, that future is blinking at me full of space to fill.
here’s to living it….