I am really bad at sitting still. I used to get in trouble at school and when I played basketball because of it. These days I would probably be labeled as ADD, but in fact, that’s not the case. I am inherently a doer, active at all times. I laughed a few years ago because I looked down as my foot was bouncing back and forth, just as my oldest nephews was doing while we watched a movie.
Needless to say, my active self (mind, heart, spirit and body) often finds itself in tension with the words “Be still.” I wrestle with those words, when said by people around me as a child and when they are whispered into my heart by God now. Every few months though I stumble back into those words, when they come at me as an accusation not as a balm for a worried heart, a fretting mind. It will surprise me often because I won’t feel as though I am actively in the way of God working, but when He whispers (and sometimes shouts, to be honest) stillness I see where I have gotten busy instead of waiting and trusting on Him.
I realized this earlier this week when I wrote out the words below. It was a confession and a prayer because I needed to get honest before God about what I had been doing, justifying actions of honesty and transparency when I know full well it was my way of doing rather than being.
I want to DO rather than invite to BE WITH.
Truth of the matter is that I find being still being framed as inactivity. It frustrates me and seems rather passive. That’s where my understanding has been wildly misleading and skewed to a fleshly mindset. Being still is not inactivity with God, it’s active dependence on a living Lord. It is active obedience to be still…it’s honoring Him to turn the worry over, the fretting of a mind and say, “I will be here, in You Lord.” It’s an act of trust and worship, each and every moment I choose to not do but be.
Active dependence is being still. It is knowing and trusting, it is being with Him. It’s a fight against my own nature and one that I am finding I am having a hard time learning and applying to life, even as I walk into my 15th year as a believer. It’s seeing that bouncing foot and being mindful of stopping it from leading me where He isn’t. It’s trusting when it moves, it will be following the God of stillness.