I have been a very independent person, possibly since birth, but definitely since I could crawl for sure. When I was told “this was the way things were going to go” I would purposefully find my own way of doing it, just to show you it could be done some way other than the prescribed one.
I have been described as “strong-willed, stubborn, difficult, bull-headed, stifling and controlling.” I wore those names proudly, with the exception of difficult as that was the one that got me. It broke through to my heart and really unraveled much of my core when I was informed it was used to describe me, wielded as a weapon by trusted mentors in talking about me to others.
I embodied for much of my life the Eve way of doing things. Misinterpreting what has been told of me not to do, and immediately thumbing my nose in it’s face. I do so respectively, just as she did in the Garden, but out of a doubt of how God will work and has been working.
God says “Wait on Me.” I choose to figure out my own way to get results quicker.
God says “It’s on My time.” I will make it about me and my schedule.
God says “Be still.” I fidget and tinker relentlessly.
I was finally able to see that I continuously doubting God, what He has said over and over to me and my heart, choosing instead my own stubborn way in things. I may bear His image, but I also carry the fallen nature within me too. Those war and clash often without me realizing it. It has never been more apparent than over the course of the last four months.
Yes I love and follow God, but only when it’s easy…when it’s going my way and just as I had planned. But when His timing (in my mind) is delayed? I get my hands in the mix. When He says wait, I pretend to be deaf.
The reality is that doubt will seep in where we allow it to in our lives. Just as the serpent slithered his way into Eve’s life…yeah, Eve because he knew where to get her…we as women war with doubt daily, in every aspect of our lives. When we open our eyes to it though, we are able to tackle it with confidence in Who God is and who we are in that. I don’t make myself in His image, He makes me in His. That means it’s in His hands to define what that looks like, not mine. I am following Him, not the other way around.
Choosing confidence in Him, choosing faith He knows what He’s doing in every circumstance and even in suffering is extremely difficult. But my way has proven to lead to even worse situations…so why would I continue to choose my way instead of His?
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8,9 (NIV)