Since returning to writing regularly I have shied away from writing on single life and the perspective of being single. I am not sure why, as I have been wholeheartedly pursuing this mindset of single living and what God is calling me to in this season.
I don’t want to be shy about that topic, as I feel God has given me such a desire and passion to share with others this single life, as I walk in it. I was emailing back and forth with a friend recently on the topic of singleness, and what I am discovering about myself in this Jesus year. He encouraged me to push through that writing block I had put up with that particular area…so here we go. It is raw writing as I am fleshing out some of these pieces in my journey in real time.
I flipped through the pages, with some hesitation at what I would find. Sometimes I laugh at my journal entries, other times I wonder who was this woman writing in these pages. The entries are farther apart in this particular one. They jump around, and often they seem hurried although it is as if the writer wished to stay longer in the moment. To share but worried that would unlock a torrent that could not be bottled back up.
This. This entry. It comes as a shock, almost forgotten but the memory comes back of where it was written. When it was written. A woman in a relationship. In confusion on the relationship. Of the path that was beginning to become visible. Of realities making themselves clear. This entry expressed a desire to not be in that relationship any longer. To be single again…not for the longing of singleness, but to not be in relationship with this particular man. It came months before it actually happened, and long before I really recognized I shouldn’t have been in a relationship with him.
But I was prideful in the relationship. Believe me there were things he was at fault for too, but there was a very prideful part of me that attempted to keep it going only out of the pretense of it not ending. Of me not breaking things off. Because where would that leave me? How would that look to others after almost 10 months of dating?
In reading those words I wrote over a year ago I see I had a deep longing for joy. For this pure joy that unfortunately I had sought out in another human, full of faults and sin just like the rest of us. Instead of seeking out Christ as the source and focus of joy, I chose to place that in someone. People fail you. God doesn’t. I think that’s where we get this single and dating thing kinda mixed up. We date someone to find joy (some do, not all…generalizing I know) before we have actually discovered it for ourselves. For finding where it truly is rooted, or rather Who it is rooted in. Getting a glimpse, albeit brief and somewhat distorted, of the joy in a relationship like I had makes me realize that I made a dating relationship an idol instead of a sacrifice to Him. While a relationship may not necessarily be a bad thing, when you begin making it an idol instead of sacrificing it to God it becomes twisted and sinful. It takes the focus off of Christ that the center and instead places the other person and the relationship as the center of attention.
Oneness must be cultivated and learned with God first, then in a relationship second. The most important relationship is one with Christ, one in which I get the pure joy of Him and not some cheaply bought version. It is about drawing near, in oneness, with God before looking to a union of dating and marriage to mirror that same established relationship.
So what am I pursuing now as I look at the life of singleness on this side of the journal page? I am pursuing Christ. The joy that is found in Him. Delighting in Him and His truth. His promises. His Word. Getting now that view of the beauty found in oneness in Him secures the desires of my heart for Him and for my future husband to have that too.
So begins the first installment of #TheJesusYear as I hope to continue to share what this 33rd year looks like in faith, in fun, in faults and in freedom.