I Suck at Providing

Ack.

That would be a common text I send to a select group of people. I am quite sure they truly love getting those. They often know what that means. It’s my sound of frustration. My warring of tension and strife. The resemblance of defeatism stumbling out in the only way it can.

I find I am weary and worn, when I should be rested and ready. I look around and see others just the same. In what normally is a time of refreshment and joy, we find exhaustion and doubt.

Last night I had some of the most troubling nightmares I have had since I saw The Ring back in ’03. (just another reason to hate Alabama…) I found myself in high anxiety and it spilling into even my rest. It then rolled itself into my day and overwhelmed me at every turn.

When I sent the frustrated call out I got an amazing soap box moment from a friend. While she may have meant it for herself, it was most definitely meant for me. It was a ‘how bad could it be?’ but in a kind way. It was God looking down and saying…”Well are you going to rest your confidence in yourself some more? Or are you going to finally give in and place it in me?”

I say so often that I rest my trust in Him. I place every bit of my faith in Him. And yet when the tension rises, the expectations mount, I burrow deep and cry that the walls are caving in around me. He waits for the cry for help. He comes running when we turn back towards Him. When I try to muster up the confidence and courage in myself, it just doesn’t fit.

Why?

Because I am a sucky provider. I am actually pretty bad at it. But you know what? He’s not. Never has been. Never will be. My next step requires me to put faith into Him and not myself. Not even an ounce of it. Because He is calling me to a place of utter dependence upon Him and not a lick of it on myself. To provide. To care. To work through. To lean on. That’s some pretty great provision from a pretty solid God.

You ate no bread and drank no wine or other alcoholic drink, but he provided for you so you would know that he is the Lord your God. Deuteronomy 29:6 (NLT)

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