During grad school, I dated this guy who may have been one of the nicest guys to grace this earth. He was the epitome of the good guy. He was sweet and endearing and incredibly thoughtful. I have an unhealthy love for Red Lobster, although I haven’t eaten there in many years. At the risk of an allergy attack, he made me those cheddar bay biscuits on Valentine’s Day. (He was allergic to cheese, poor guy)
For the eight months we dated though I had this interest in a guy I knew. He was the complete opposite and vocally proclaimed he was the bad guy we had all been warned about. At the time of my mid-20s, I wanted that adventure of the bad guy. I wanted to nights out and caution being thrown into the wind. I would find myself torn between spending time with the guy who was the nicest and most romantic I had dated or the guy who didn’t care if you showed up or not for drinks.
I struggled with the thought that I deserved the bad guy, because he could care less if I was around. I didn’t deserve the good guy, who doted on me and sent me cards. For years I had that thought. The thought I didn’t deserve to be treated well, to be happy and cared for. Truth is, I think many of us think this way and we never want to admit it.
To be honest, I grew up in the Baptist church where there was a repeating message often of not deserving anything in life, that God had blessed us with so much and we should be happy with whatever that is dealt to us. I clung to that. That I was this messed up girl who did not get to be happy, get to be the lucky one to find her one. Over and over I felt that it was hand of cards that God dealt to me to only find guys who were jerks or ill-fitted for me. That I truly deserved this existence of miserable dating or being single.
Frankly I do still struggle with that thought on occasion, that I look around at how blessed my life is currently and start to worry and stress. I think that the other shoe will drop or I will get what I deserve, which is nothing. I look for the bad and harp on it. I find the negative and think too much on it, seeking for how it will fail.
Then I get this reminder….that I am HIS. He wants nothing but good for my life. That good often comes through trials and testings. But it is good and it is meant for me. The last few days I have thought on that more and more as my journey continues in life. This journey looks different than it did seven years ago when I struggled with the life of the undeserved. It looks different than it did two weeks ago when I struggled with deserving anything I had. Frankly I don’t deserve any of the blessings and goodness, but God gives them…all good gifts from above to those He calls His own. It doesn’t mean I do or don’t deserve them, it means He knows better and gives abundantly. I am the one who must understand that the line of thinking I have been holding onto is not good and only pushing me further from Him. I need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and instead find that my heart is in Him. He deserves that, at the very least.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 26