It’s not hard for me to admit stupidity and errors in judgement. That I find easy, and often very humbling. What is difficult is admitting when I have been selfish, when I have let pride and self-seeking take control and run rampant. That sin is difficult, it’s ugly, and lately, it has enveloped me.
I have sought what I could get over the last weeks. I took on a study in Proverbs 31 that I had not committed nor consulted with the Lord on, and as you can see, that was dropped. Every time I tried to write, I would find a distraction to play with or allow to pull my attention away. For those of you who read this, I am sorry. I should have prayed through the study more and prepared. I am praying now for God to direct that study, as I know the directive came from Him as to what I should pursue in my study and writing here on the blog.
This morning I was fully engulfed with the thoughts of how selfish I have been in many areas of late. God truly convicted me on it and I prayed through that seeking forgiveness, confessing how vile I was in His sight, and that a true reflection of Him was not what I had been. I desire, I crave to be gutted by God, and filled with Him. I kept imagining Him at work within my heart, scraping the crevices of the dark areas I did not realize I had, digging deep and cleaning off chunks of old sinful ways and deep rooted beliefs that were wrong. I love that image and seek to have Him truly clean me out and fill me only with Him. Much like an excavation, some big machinery was hauled in, but there’s also some smaller deep-rooted work going on that He is doing within. I know it, and it’s not pleasant. But I do not want a comfortable life. I want a life lived out for God’s glory, the way He wants me to live for Him.
The more I drew on this image of Him cleaning me out, I realized it wasn’t just a cleaning out, but a forming as well. That’s when it hit me…I am merely God’s pumpkin that He has chosen to clean out and carve in His image. To set a light within me, to shine for Him. That fills my heart with hope.