It’s easy to look back and point to all the wrong you’ve done. It’s easy to sit in retrospect and feel guilt wash over you again and again. It’s so much easier to sit and assume you’ll change by looking at your past. Truth is, you can’t change what you’ve already done. I cannot hope to take back things I have said in jest, in the heat of feeling such strong emotions at a particular moment. I am constantly fearful of reliving past wrongs…of my life being one big cycle of freedom and bondage.
I realized something though yesterday as I was struggling to feel human after being up sick all night. Maybe I am just coming late to the party in this, but God is right there with me in it all. Those moments when I am tempted beyond what I believe I can stand, He’s right there, providing a way out. He has promised He would not bring me to something to not bring me through something. It’s me…I am the one who chooses to not believe Him. I step back into the habits of this old self that He redeemed me from. I am the one who picks to buy into the devil lying to me and telling me I will always be that girl…the one who picked the wrong guy, who took a drink, who didn’t call for help from God.
I am realizing that as I grow in my faith, I have to grow in my reliance upon Him…in turning to Him in all things, not just when trouble crops up. It is still a struggle, one that I fight daily. Maybe I’m alone in this struggle…in turning to this all-knowing God and confessing my screw-ups and mess-ups and mistakes, fully trusting and knowing Him and His faithful forgiveness. I do not want to seem like I am grace abusing, but that I am committing my life to renewal in Him. In finding God in all times, not just after I have messed up…but before, realizing those tempting times, and those rejoicing times.