I think most people who know me understand how much I loathe Coldplay. I cannot really put my finger on it, other than I think Chris Martin whines when he sings. I admit that if I ever saw him in public, it would take alot of self-restraint to not go punch him in the throat. I particularly I abhor the song “Fix You” when it continuously got played a year or so ago in it’s trending way. In it, Martin proclaims he will try to fix you when you’ve broken. You named your daughter Apple…no thanks.
I do however find myself attempting in vain to fix myself. I try hard to clean myself up, dust myself up, pull myself up by my bootstraps to march on as a valiant soldier for Christ. That doesn’t really work out for me. When I used my own means to remedy a situation, I inevitably fell by those same means. About 18 months ago I felt it was time for a change, I needed a shake up. So off I went in applying for jobs. No praying and seeking God’s wisdom in it, not asking for discernment or guidance. I purposefully struck out on my own to see what I could do for myself. I found a job offer, laying in my lap about six weeks later. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, this job was not God-willed. He had allowed me to pursue my own interests with my own means and receive what I was pursuing. He did it all, to show me that yes, I have the freedom to choose in every aspect, but will my choice bring about His glory or my own? I thoroughly struggled with that offer and ultimately declined it.
Now I sit in a position, about 40 minutes away from where the other offer was, in confidence of where God led me. Where I stepped back and let Him bring me to in my life. After all, this is not my life to fix, to grab ahold of and clutch for the living years I have left. He needed to bring me through all of last year, the struggles, the wrestling and the pain to show me that when I place full trust and hope in Him, and Him alone, He provides beyond measure…beyond anything I could do with my own hands.
It’s still a constant battle of unlearning all the habits of an old self…of a self who was very independent and reliant upon my own means to live life. I carry the shades of independence around, too often like a banner or insignia pin, when I am truly a dependent child of God.Dependence is hard to learn, or relearn. But as I am reminded throughout Scripture, I am to be as a child…ever growing and learning, all the while trusting in God the Father for every thing. Every single thing. Including my self, and what needs fixing.
“God doesn’t care about who you were but who you are.”