“Think of it this way, you’ll get to remake yourself.”
Those words were said to me a little over a month ago. It was the night before I was moving here. I was a wreck. I had filled my days with errands and packing; my nights with friends and dinners. I had not spent time really processing a move three hours away and a new job. I had gotten busy and did not stop to really focus on what was happening.
Through the harsh reality those words did not fully sink in. The following week they played on repeat in my head as I got angry. I don’t think the intent behind what he said was what I took it for during the following weeks. I kept thinking, “well, what about me was so stinkin’ bad that I need to remake myself?” I wrapped myself up in knots over it and dwelt pretty consistently on his words. And to be honest, I cared alot about this individual and it stung even more to have him say it to me. Now I see those words with different eyes…with eyes that no longer care so deeply for this guy. A heart no longer torn about feelings and emotions that were attached to him and whatever he said. A mind that finally got it…that finally learned a lesson that was too long in the teaching process. I had tried for far too long to be someone else…to be someone else someone else’s (as Matt Nathanson so eloquently puts it). I yearned so badly to fit into this mold for someone…and that’s not who I am. That is living life as a lie and seeking the approval of someone else…fully dependent upon them for my contentment.
There’s a quote that says endings are hard, beginnings are scary…but the middle is where you can fully enjoy it all. I have to say, I think it’s true in some parts but beginnings can also be times to enjoy. This isn’t a new chapter in my life, it’s discovering who I really am finally. It took 30 years to get me to this point in life, of not sacrificing myself to make others feel good about themselves. I won’t apologize for that anymore…I won’t bend or break my own self-worth and value to appease someone’s selfish desires or pump an ego. As Paul says to those at Ephesus, I am His workmanship…HIS…He created me. It’s time to stop living to someone else’s standard and live into God’s.
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.-Ephesians 2:10