Only a handful of people know this about me and when I say a handful, I mean I can count (and name) on one hand the people I have shared this with. I feel though, that after this recent trip to Haiti, I have to share my heart and a specific journey.
For the last 15 months I have been struggling with a major change in my life. Before I even went to Mexico, months before God called me to Mexico, I felt Him calling me to full-time missions work. I did not know what it looked like, nor where He was calling me, but it was a strong force that only God could push within me. I consulted two ministers I respect and trust, who encouraged me to seek out where it was God was leading. I did not want to take this call lightly, nor put my own agenda before God’s purpose. I will be honest, it frightened me. I let the devil distract me with petty arguments, disputes with friends and subsequent friendships ending, pursuing romantic interests that were not from Him, and most importantly, doubts. I doubted God…I doubted He could work in me, someone who could be so easily swayed by voices in her ear, tempted by a piece of fruit. How could He use someone so weak to work in the mission field?
Every step that God has guided in the process has been met with two steps back in fear and doubting. In February, I started the International Mission Board process of application. Almost instantly, the door was shut with them. It was heartbreaking, and again, the devil got in my ear…telling me that God wasn’t going to use me and I should stop pursuing this ridiculous nonsense. I listened and I drew away from God…doubting once more. Even as I prepared for Haiti, I doubted as to why He would be sending me. But through each step, He showed that is where He wanted me to go…providing in ways I cannot even begin to explain.
While in Haiti, our group was taken to the property where a new orphanage, along with several other buildings will be built. We had about 15 minutes to pray over the property and walk around the inner walls of it. As I started to walk, I grew discouraged because I felt God had something He’d been trying to tell me but I just wasn’t getting it. So I walked away from some of the others and just had a conversation with God. I told Him I was upset and doubting His will. I asked why He had been so silent and left me all alone, even in the midst of such a blessing as that trip. That’s when He first spoke, very loudly in my ear. He said “NOT YET.” At that moment I let it go, and pursued praying for the property (and He spoke again, check back for that post). But throughout the remainder of the day, as I was playing with the kids, spending time with those on the trip, and then in devotion time, I kept hearing “NOT YET” in my ear.
As we were traveling back, I had some time to really dwell on it and I am so thankful I did. I firmly believe He answered my heart’s cry for the last 15 months. My struggle, my impatience, my time frame…He quickly and decidedly told me in two words to trust in His plan, in His timing, in His sovereignty. For the majority of those months, I’ve been trusting in my own plan, my own time schedule, and my own rules. I have to put trust in that…in Him…that He has provided, reigned, and planned out His will for me. I must obey and follow, and stop doubting.
“Uphold my steps in Your path, that my footsteps may not slip.”-Psalm 17:5