For weeks that’s been my statement that I’ve carried around like Linus has his blanket. It’s been a statement I’ve harnessed in so many ways, but mostly to hurt. I refuse to apologize…I refuse to excuse…I refuse to take responsibility….I refuse to pray….I refuse to give God the glory in my hurt. If you’ve glanced at my posts over the last two months you’d see I’ve been refusing alot….but it’s all been pointed in one direction, at God. He tried some very easily navigatable ways to show me what I knew He would. He opened doors and even windows to give me escape from the sinfulness I’d invited within. He even went so far as to send me thousands of miles away to experience His glory in such a provoking way…and yet I still refused Him.
That stopped last week. I searched inwardly, and said ENOUGH. I claimed the Holy Spirit within and kicked the devil out. He had no place in me, not now, not ever. I accepted the fact that I cannot please everyone, so I started only pleasing my God. I accepted that some friendships aren’t meant to move forward, and started forging new friendships based on God’s provision. I accepted that God could use me in ways I could not grasp, and began to fervently pray for what that looks like…and where that is.
Yes, I finally stopped grasping, grappling, and wrestling with God on my shortcomings when it comes to being a missionary. I finally let go…cause He’s God. I feel confirmed that God is the One whose running the show within me…He’s moved in such a way that I have to stop doubting myself…because not one lick of this is about me. It’s all about Him. That’s the way it should be.
So I ask that you pray for me as I pray and seek what my next step in this is…what God would have me do exactly and be right in His will….the safest place any of us could ever be. (Something a sister in Christ said to me tonight in the middle of a great conversation….and it really resounded within)
“I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself.”-Josh Wilson