"This isn’t easy…It isn’t clear…"

Rape of 200+ women and boys in Congo
I was appalled when I saw this headline scroll through MSN’s homepage a few minutes ago.  First it was over the title and subsequent story.  However, now I’m more irritated by the fact it was the third one on the loop behind news of Tiger Woods’ divorce being final today.  Are you kidding me America?  I’m becoming more and more upset by the frivolity in which we as Americans conduct ourselves.  Maybe this is God’s way of showing me where my heart lies….and it’s not so much in the American dream anymore.


Yesterday morning during the praise time of our service, I found myself crying uncontrollably during “Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.”  I stood there singing, and alternately sobbing, because inwardly I was having a conversation with God.  Or I surrendered to Him in that moment.  I told Him that I can’t fight this anymore, whatever it is I’m wrestling with I need to let Him have it.  I’ll be obedient in what He’s doing and stop questioning, stop doubting, and let go.  I keep grasping, holding on tightly like a stubborn child.  And He stands there, not pulling, just waiting for me to fully realize I have to let go…I have to be the one to release and trust.

I wrote the above on August 23.  I want to be very open and honest about what I went through over the last week, and truth be told, the last month. My grip on what I was wrestling with God over wouldn’t loosen.  In fact, I grabbed on with another hand and firmly planted myself in His face.  For days I battled Him.  Crying my eyes out and telling Him I was through.  I was walking out on Him and all He had done for me.  If I was going to go through something like this, then what was the point of believing in Him? I looked at the Bible for three straight mornings and said “NO.” I wish I were kidding.  I wish this was some horrendous nightmare, but it was my life for seven very hard days, and all total I’d been heading in this direction for a month.
You get warned that you’ll face spiritual warfare as a Christian.  You experience some bouts with friends or family along the way, and maybe even questions in your own mind.  I have to be honest and say I have never faced warfare on this level before coming from within.  I sat and let the devil whisper in my ear things I knew were lies, and continued to let it happen, over and over again.  I bought into every single one of them.  He got me alone and closed off, which is what I tend to revert to when I’m struggling.  I questioned every ounce of my faith, then turned on God.  It wasn’t like I’d lost anything or anyone, but I felt as if I’d opened my eyes and seen my life in a complete different light.  

This is in fact true, I had seen my life through the eyes of someone without trust and faith in Christ.  I’d seen myself as the person I was…a failure.  I realize now why I was buying into all of what the devil was saying to me…because it was what I (in my old self habits) wanted to do.  I wanted to wallow, have a pity-party, and truly close myself off.  It’s much easier to shut down and wall up, than it is to be real with people who love and care about you.  I’m still trying to see past the junk the devil sold me to what God has faithfully promised me.  I wish I could say I’m there….but I’m not quite.  I’m still struggling with an issue or two, and the worst part is that one involves someone whom I thought to be one of my closest friends.  I think that hurts the most, because in the midst of this, I saw a friendship near it’s end.  

I’m kind of sitting in this spot now where I’m praying and talking to God…seeking His guidance and help in alot of things.  But my heart hurts because it got broken, by myself, which I think is the worst possible heart break to face.  I’m thankful for the concerns of the people who love me and prayed for me.  I’m thankful for those who actually dared to ask what was wrong, rather than just assume I was mad.  That meant more than anything else…because in that moment, when I reached out and asked for help, they were there.  I’m reading my Bible and having quiet time with God.  I’m dwelling in His word and I see a difference in myself even now, only a few days out of this mess.  I pray that I’ll eventually move past this and know that I had to face this in order to grow, in order to support, and in order to minister in the lives of others.  I pray that God receives the glory of the situation, for He brought me to it, and He most assuredly brought me through it.

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