“Are you sure?” is the question that resounded in my head after Tim Miller said “drop the tiles.” last Friday night. I held in my hand ceiling tiles with barriers the people-leaders-at my table had written down as to why we don’t reach out to those in need, whether friends, coworkers, family, or strangers. At the top of the list was my very own barrier that God had laid on my heart: Attitude.
My attitude has been less than stellar lately, in fact, I’ll admit openly it’s been downright disgusting. If those who knew me could see my real attitude they’d no longer want to know me. You see I’ve been incredibly selfish of late-thinking everything is about me. I’ve been put out with good friends, people I fellowship with, and even some church leadership. I’ve struggled alot with coming back from Mexico. I struggled with how to make sure I kept it all together because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I fought with two very important people in my life right before I left. One of which seems to be on the mend, slowly. However the second has left me really hurt and is partially the reason why I’ve been so “me” focused. Not to pass the buck onto this individual because I take full responsibility for my sinful attitude of selfishness.
Monday afternoon a week ago I snapped, broke, however you want to put it. I was done with my Christian walk, with church, and with God quite honestly. I had had it. I gave up. I was tired of fighting….tired of wrestling…and getting beat up again and again and again. Throughout the week I kept coming back to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, the devil was using this to discourage me and pull me from what awesome work God was preparing in me. Back and forth all week I went. I felt like I was on a see-saw of sorts mentally and spiritually. Things would pop-up to shift the balance-and my attitude.
Friday evening a week ago I wasn’t really “up” for leadership training at the church. We’d been told for six months about it and how life altering it could be. Don’t get me wrong-I’m a gung-hoer on the life-changing but I was seriously over this and not into it. My week had been draining on top of all the spiritual back and forth I was in. However I went, tugging along behind me my bad attitude of “I’ve got better things to do than this.” (This is even after the morning of seeing God explicitly work out something we’ve been praying on within several female leaders.) They began with a skit about distractions and then did an excerpt from C.S. Lewis’s “The Screwtape Letters”-which I am a big fan of after reading in December. It got my mind thinking about how I allow the devil to distract me with so many outlets. When I attempt to be in God’s Word or pray, these sideshows pop up. It’s amazing how I know it, and still continuously allow it to distract me. I brag that I don’t watch much television anymore…that’s because I’m on my computer fiddling around.
Don, Tim and Hollie all touched on Mark 2:1-2: the men bringing the paralytic to Christ. Tim pointed out that at the end no one cared about the ceiling tiles on the floor-only that the man was with Jesus and healed. This is where the tiles came in. The four men who brought the man had to overcome barriers, such as the ceiling. How often do
we I allow barriers that I have erected to keep me from bringing others along to Christ? I really focused on that as he asked us to write on those tiles. While I had planned to put “selfishness,” God spoke up and said “No, it’s your attitude.” He was right….and still is.
But as I stood and heard myself question Tim about dropping those tiles on the ground in the sanctuary of the church, a second thought struck me hard, and it is still with me. Was I asking Tim that question, or was I really asking God that all along about alot of things?
It’s true. God will present something before me and I question Him on His confidence in me. I question the Supreme and Sovereign God and Creator on whether He really trusts me enough to do it. How utterly ridiculous and insane must I truly be???! It’s not like I just realized this, I do it all too often with God. My prayer is that I will stop questioning God’s surety and trust in me, and start having the faith, hope and trust in Him to obey without fear or distrust. He has so much love for me. I pray that the question will no longer roll through my head, but that the strong and confident statement of “Only through You and for Your glory” will be my theme.