When Honesty Isn’t the Best Policy….

…when you’ve been so hurt you turn that hurt and use it as a weapon.
…when you’ve got a wall up and no filter.
…when you’re stripped raw and exposed.
…when you’re ready to give up and turn your back on it all.

Have you been there?  When you are in a place where so much junk has got you to a point where you can’t stand it anymore.  When you realize that you cannot take one more thing and you just cannot deal with all the other struggles going on.  I found myself there all of a sudden this afternoon.  After attempts to work out and get groceries were denied due to a large power outage in the area, I came home and pretty much broke.  I unleashed some petty junk on someone that was uncalled for, on many levels.  It was inappropriate but I had to be honest with that person.  I’m sort of lost right now as to where I need to be.  I feel like I’m out in the rip tide and satan’s gotten ahold of me and keeps pulling me under.  It’s one thing after another, after another, after another.  Just when I think I’ve gotten past it and God’s really pulled me out, I’m sucked under.  It’s not one big thing, it’s a million little things.  It’s reminders of how big a failure I am in so many areas….it’s reminders that I in no way have it all together….it’s reminders that I’m not perfect and will never come close to it….it’s reminders that I have zero control over anything, no matter how hard I try to think I might.  The million reminders that I am alone…and the fears then start to pound me.  I won’t go into all of those right now because I am not sure I can fit all the fears that have been thrown at me over the last few hours.  Then the anger wells back up.  It’s cyclical and I’m just done. I don’t want to fight…I don’t want to go through this. It’s draining and I don’t have the energy for it. Not now.

2 thoughts on “When Honesty Isn’t the Best Policy….

  1. Each day I am more and more thankful God brought you into my life. You aren't alone, sweetie–although, I do know what you mean. Something that our pastor Blake told me is that some of the most major times God was interceding in his life, were the times when he felt the most alone. And Blake is a pretty awesome guy with his stuff together about the Lord. Continue to ask God to protect you from the enemy. You are in my prayers as well. You are a strong warrior for Christ!! I'm so proud of you!

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