As much as I’d like to say this is one easy post to write, it’s not. It’s actually pretty gritty and raw-which is a theme lately. But I’ve come to accept that….whatever God’s got to work out in me is for His glory. After the last post I had some time to reflect, pray, and meditate in God’s word. I was able to really get alone with God and I got really uncomfortable. I didn’t like what He was showing me, about myself.
He was holding up a mirror to me, and letting me get some really long looks at what I looked like. I think alot of times when He’s holding up that mirror for us to reflect upon ourselves, we mistake it for something else. We think He’s trying to show us what’s awaiting us, like a window…however it’s smudged and gritty. Or that He’s trying to show us what we’ve put behind us, like a rear-view mirror. That’s us…us getting in the way of what He’s truly trying to show us, which is US, at that moment, in all our sinfulness. It may be the cleanest, shiniest mirror but we know it’s because we’re doing our best to put on the picture perfect Christian demeanor that we can….but then you see the smudges, the streaks, the residue. Or maybe your mirror was much like mine…fogged up, gritty, with specks of unknown substances spattered about. Whatever mirror God’s holding up to you, know it’s for a reason…for your good…for His ultimate glory.
Mine was so I could get to the end of my self, to the end of my means. To meet Him there, waiting for me to be utterly rid of my self, and all that I was depending upon apart from Him. In all that hurt and pain, He was there waiting for me. He was guiding that path TO Him. It’s incredibly hard for me to realize that is what He is doing at the time. I often like to shake my fist and say “why God?” But last night, I got a dose of reality.
The evangelist that’s been leading the witness training seminar got honest with us on where each one of us is at in relation to sin and the Holy Spirit. We cannot begin to ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit if we’ve got ourselves stuffed full of sin…of any kind….of every deed/action…of every word…of every thought. The thought one got me. Up to that point in his presentation I was good, he had hit on things that I had recognized and confessed awhile ago about myself and got right with God. I was feeling good about where this was going, until he brought up thoughts. Those that may know me, know I’m pretty open most of the time with everyone. I wear my emotions on my face-it’s not something I’m proud of, trust me. But almost 80% of the time, people would be taken aback at where my minds gone in a conversation, interaction, or just a quiet moment. Caution-I’m about to unload a dump truck of confession on you…..I overthink things, I dwell on things that have no place in my mind, I mock in my head (more than I ever do with my mouth), I fantasize about scenarios, I tear someone down, I daydream, I yell and scream obscenities, I put people on pedestals, I get wrong intentions…you name it, I’ve probably thought it. I’ve even questioned God more times than I’d like to admit…and I’ve cursed Him for a few things that haven’t gone “my” way. Then I realized in all of that, it was pointing to a major sin that had filled my life. I was completely unfaithful to God. I wasn’t in His will for my life, seeking to be His child doing His work for His glory. I was self-seeking in so many ways, and that was evidenced by my thoughts.
I got on my knees at the altar last night and confessed it before God. I needed to empty myself out so I could be filled with the Spirit. And it’s not a one time thing…it’s continual. I had to pray in bed this morning before I got out…and even last night before I went to sleep. Some chalk it up to the “human condition” when we think these things…but I don’t want to be conditioned as a human, I want to be conditioned as a child of God, His servant. My heart’s desire is for God to be glorified in all that I do, because it’s for Him. I want myself out of the way and want Him all up in my business…because it’s not mine, it’s His…He’s in the business of forgiving, loving, changing, and moving me to where He wants me.