There’s much to be said on guarding our hearts, our minds, our thoughts, our actions. Having self-control and being sober-minded and having self-restraint. These are all things we here on a pretty cyclical basis as believers. In not one instance that I have found has God’s Word commanded me to be guarded with fellow believers. It does point to be on guard, prepared, always at the ready. I not found where it stated I am be guarded, walls up, completely separated from all of those who walk in the same Light that I do.
That’s where I’m at right now, for lack of a better way of putting it. I’ve been guarded, with almost everyone. I’ve not allowed those who love and support me to do just that. I’ve reacted sharply and acted in a way that is not in line with what I believe nor cling to. It’s not the behavior of someone who longs to be made into whatever God wills.
This week has been hard. That’s an understatement. This week has been gut-wrenchingly terrifying. I’ve been a ball of emotions, not in check at all…no self-restraint. There’s been an undercurrent of paranoia, unease, and all out unsettledness. (I’m pretty sure that’s not a word, but roll with it.) I had to come face-to-face with a realization this week. I had to “own up” to something I had fought for at least a month, looking back, and knew it was time to get down and talk to God. I haven’t wanted to talk about it, and frankly, I’m still unsure of talking even now. I fought having a meeting to talk about it with the one person I could actually talk to about it. I told him in quite honest terms that it terrified me to come see him and talk. Now while a big chunk of that is because I’m completely blown away at how God uses him and his vast knowledge God has given him. But the other reason was in my own terror and fear. I knew the second I voiced what had been on my mind that there was no turning back. The second I talked was the second I had to obey God’s will.
You see, for the last few months I’ve been looking at where God’s directing me. He’s given me so much and allowed me to be a part of so many amazing things where I’m at now. He’s inspired me through others that He’s chosen for my life and I could not be more blessed. But I’ve felt a pull. I’ve felt this tugging at my inner self. A tug that was God-pulled. It was a steady one, and one that frankly nagged at me. It spurned a question to the man mentioned above, which lead to a book he suggested I read and seek out answers through prayer and time, then we’d talk. I put off that meeting for over a month. I thought, once I read this I’m going to see how completely crazy I am for thinking God would use me in such a way that I believe He is trying to right now. The book led to more questions, and a stagnant feeling within me. I stagnated out. I focused on those things which doesn’t bring Him any glory and only serves as distractions from getting at His truth. I have to admit, and be very open right now, I was gross inwardly. That started reflecting outwardly. You cannot hide stuff like that and think it won’t come out in your actions. Your actions reflect where your heart is.
The last four weeks I’ve been drained. I’ve come up against battles that I was too weak to face. Instead of clinging to God and His Almighty power, I trudged through it myself. All the while thinking “I got this.” Yeah, I didn’t. I never want to give credit to satan for whatever he’s up to, but I honestly feel like I let him get a foothold in situations and amp me up. I got broken this week. More than I’d ever thought I would, and I’m still here…and God’s still working. I firmly believe God needed to get me to the end of my self in order for Him to get me where He wants me. Do I know where that is? No. Am I okay with that? Yes, finally I am.
I read a post this morning that summed it up well. In Jeremiah 18, we find the potter, molding clay into pots. In verse four it says he the one he was molding did not turn out the way he hoped, so he squashed it into a lump of clay and began again. I truly believe that’s what God’s doing with me even now. I’m not out of this, it’s not behind me. I’m still the same clay He was molding…the same He just pummeled, and the same that He’s currently work to mold into what He hopes me to be. I’m thankful, however painful, that God saw fit for me to go through this. For it brings Him glory and honor and praise.