The last few weeks have been interesting. Isn’t life always interesting in some way, shape, or form when you’re a Christian? I have to be honest and say it’s been a struggle. I’ve struggled with reading my Bible, with praying, with listening and applying His Word through others’ teaching and preaching. It’s been what is often referred to as a “dry spell” in my walk. I’ve gotten really agitated with aspects of it. I stumbled in my daily quiet time, and I’ve just wondered what God is up to with me right now. I’m being completely transparent in this because I need to be. God’s called me to be, right now, right here. I’ve not wanted to write. I take that back, I’ve wanted to write but wasn’t being led by God in it. He wasn’t directing my words and He most definitely was not behind the message. It’s not about me, although it seems that way looking over this last paragraph, but ultimately, it’s not. In the last month, it has been about me, I’ve made sure of that. I’ve lost sight of God’s will in my life, and made sure I was looking out for what was most convenient for me, and what made me feel good about myself. All the while I’ve told myself I was just waiting on God to do something in me. To move me. To stir me. To reveal to me. Me, me, me. Wow, if that’s not a rude awakening I’m unsure as to what is then.
I prayed this week that God would give me the passion back I had two months ago. I prayed for a fire and burning that I had to know Him more. I prayed for what He would do for me. Not once in these prayers did I lay myself at His feet asking for Him to use me. Not once. That’s what He most desires from us, to use us for His glory and honor. I’ve gotten into a very bad habit recently of praying for things on my timetable, expecting God to move and act when I want Him to on things. There we are again, back to it being about me. In all of this, and over the last several months, God’s laid a desire on my heart to serve Him in a specific way. A way in which I’ve taken baby steps to obey, but then allow it to be put on the backburner with excuses of time and tiredness. He blesses those who are obedient and I am now realizing that I’ve been disobedient in not following through with what He’s asking of me.
I’ll leave you with the verse I had in my devotion time tonight. It’s what sparked this urging in my heart from God. The Holy Spirit moved in me and showed me that it’s not me at all, it’s God. I should be the one listening, heeding His call, and expecting absolutely nothing in return. That is obedience to Him.
Psalm 130:5-6: I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning-yes, more than those who watch for the morning.